https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd
I always had this thing where randomly certain types of criticism, even small ones or ones where in hindsight it wasn’t really against me, WRECKED me. Like was all I could think about for days, where I wasn’t able to sleep that night at all, just overwhelmed with negative emotions. I still remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness and frustration I got once because I got a question marked wrong in like the 4th grade because I didn’t “show my work” properly even though I got the answer right.
When I was younger this was a fun combination, because I was undiagnosed ADHD sufferer school was a place I got a good amount of criticism. So yeah I got called a crybaby a good amount. Which of course… more criticism. Yay.
I grew out of the crying (as any man should, I was told), but never grew out of random insults hitting me as hard as if someone I love just died. There were hobbies/games/communities I adored that I quit suddenly because a single snide comment for some reason filled me with such negative emotions I couldn’t do said thing without thinking about it all the time.
But now as I just got my ADHD diagnosis and learning that RSD is a symptom that goes along with it, it makes SO MUCH SENSE, and is now something I can work with my counselors on.
But yeah, just curious if the cry baby thing was a shared experience.
I hate that my memory appears to save snapshots the best in moments of rejection and piqued anxiety.
There are so many things I remember only because I was scared or upset.
Yeah. Human memory evolved to keep us alive not happy. Brain assumes anything that stressful must be life threatening and we obviously should remember that so we can avoid it in the future.
I personally find having a rational understanding of the utility of emotions helps me process them.
It definitely helps. You can sometimes logic yourself out of a spiral by acknowledging the emotion and why it’s there, while simultaneously rejecting the need for feeling it right now.
It’s like “hey cool thanks brain I get that you want me to make sure that the bad thing doesn’t happen again so you’re looping that memory and the feeling that came with it. But actually that’s not helpful, that situation actually (wasn’t dangerous) / (won’t happen again) / (isn’t something I can solve right now), so let’s move on.”
With practice, brain usually says “ok no worries”, and you can move on. It’s not really that simple but that’s the idea.
A post on RSD I wrote on Reddit four years ago. People seemed to find it helpful.
I am the ADHD half and I have been this partner. At my partner and at my therapist, who is an amazing man who has helped me and my partner remain functional and together during the pandemic and deserved better from me.
I have debated such indefensible positions (that I don’t even agree with) as the definition of trauma, the morality of expecting others to regulate their behavior and even the necessity of washing one’s hands during a pandemic. I will break something down, look at it from every possible angle, deconstruct reality any way I can until I find a way to describe it that will make some (in that moment) unacceptable truth seem reasonable and acceptable.
This is 100% RSD related. And I’ve been thinking about RSD a lot. Are you familiar with it?
If not, you can learn all about it just by googling ““Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria”” so I’ll skip any explanations of it and just talk about my journey with it. Hopefully some of it my be helpful to you and to your partner.
I’m guessing your partner does not believe that he has an asshole inside him who gaslights his loved ones and others trying to help him into thinking that his shitty behavior is somehow acceptable. You can argue hard and passionately against something that is objectively true and do so while feeling righteous, instead of self deceiving and overbearing, as long as you believe your own bullshit. And believing our own bullshit and distrusting other people’s point of view is a survival thing for people with RSD.
Here’s the thing I’ve recently come to believe about RSD: It doesn’t have to do with the ADHD brain. It’s not part of our biology, it’s not something ““caused by our brain architecture that we should get a pass for.”” It’s 100% a learned behavior (in myself… I obviously can’t speak for ANYONE else). But if that IS true for others, it means that people, especially men, who grow up with ADHD in Western culture, are learning this behavior HARD at a young age. And like most toxic psychological survival mechanisms, it has it’s roots in learning to avoid something awful AT ALL COST. And that awful situation was REAL and felt TERRIBLE. And it’s also gone… the little kid who experienced it and the teenager who learned to push back against it is now a grown ass adult and can learn better, less toxic ways to deal with it. And I wonder if RSD will manifest differently in kids growing up now, than it did in kids who grew up in the 80s and 90s and early aughts.
What is ““it”” though?
This is a hypothosis. I’ve only tested it in myself and it seems to be true, so take what I have to say with, in the words of Babish, a pinch of Kosher salt.
For me, it’s rooted in ego, competitiveness, self worth and, frankly, a rejection of the shitty behavior of others.
Learning it from the nice teacher
Scenario: A little boy is ten years old. He’s doing algebra for the first time. He’s clever and he gets the concept of variable REALLY fast, way faster than anyone else in his class. And he loves his teacher who’s a nice lady and sings Peter Paul and Mary and Simon and Garfunkle songs with the class. She praises him for figuring things out so quickly. He feels great. He’s so proud of himself, he goes home and tells his mother ““I’m doing really well in math class!”” A few months go by. He’s struggling with paying attention. Turning in his homework on time. Finishing quizzes in the time allowed. He also thinks he understands some concepts that he doesn’t. But it still all comes really easily to him. He likes the class, likes his teacher, wants to do well and enjoys showing off when he knows something. But he’s not keeping up with the reading and is struggling in other ways. . . here’s the important bit: That kids has NO idea that he’s doing poorly! None at all. He still thinks he’s doing well. And he keeps going home and proudly telling his mother ““I’m doing so well in math class!”” Because he likes being there, he likes his teacher, he likes math, he understands the concepts and his teacher is really nice to him when he knows the answers. He believes he is doing well in math, even though ALL THE SIGNS that he’s not, that a more experienced person would see are there all around him.
Then the fall is gone and it’s time for parent teacher conferences. He’s excited to take his mom to meet his math teacher. They all sit down together and presents that little boy’s mom with…
A solid C-
And the feed back ““Your son is very bright and understands the material very well but doesn’t turn in assignments, is disruptive in class, doesn’t pay attention and isn’t applying himself.”” And his mother is FURIOUS and later yells at him and says ““You told me you were doing well in math! Why have you been lying to me?””
Learning it from the mean teacher
Go back in time three years. The little boy is seven. He’s just started at a new (weirdly Christian) school. The teacher has spent several days telling the class the stories of Saint Francis of Assisi. The little boy remembers most of them, because he loves stories. One day the teacher puts him on the spot and makes him get in front of the class and tell the story. And he’s excited. So he goes up to do that. And he starts telling the story. But he doesn’t remember the saint’s name. So he says ““Saint Peter!”” Because he’s seven and that’s the only saint he remembers. The teacher stops him in a strict voice and in front of the class tells him ““You haven’t been paying attention! You’ve disrespected me and my class by not remembering the name of the Saint we’ve been studying all week! You’re so much smarter than this! Go sit back down. Sit up straight, pay attention!””
As above, the little boy feels ambushed. Didn’t see it coming. And still doesn’t even know the Saint’s name.
I could go on. You learn the lesson from parents, coaches, the next door neighbor, your Spanish teacher, your piano teacher. You learn it over and over. From kind people who mean well and want to help, from impatient people who want something from you NOW, and, often, from angry people who are sick of your shit. But the message is the SAME.
You are so <smart> <talented> <creative> <charismatic> <knowledgeable> <intuitive> you would be <such a success> <capable of so many things> <exceptional> <promising> if you just <weren’t so lazy> <paid better attention> <applied yourself> <took pride in your work> <had better self discipline> <were respectful> <had good judgement>. Also SURPRISE, you didn’t see this failure coming (subtext: you idiot).
And you try and you try, but no one ever gives you anything and you just feel like
““I could be awesome if I just didn’t have such a flawed character.”” Basically. It’s the message you get.
And one really toxic thing is, you start to believe it and you get comfortable with failure.
Another really toxic thing is, you KNOW you’re NOT <lazy> <undisciplined><etc> because there are things you ARE really good at and you can do them super well and so the problem isn’t with you, it’s with a world that expects you to be able to do those hard things and shames you because ““they’re so easy””.
And then one day, maybe it’s tenth grade now and you’re sixteen and you’re bigger and smarter and self confident but also awkward and you’re angry. . . at yourself, at others who reject you. And someone makes you feel that way and you feel the shame and self judgement start to come welling up but then you get angry and you’re like:
CONT.
““THAT’S JUST LIKE YOUR OPINION, MAN!””
And suddenly, you don’t have to feel small, and ashamed and defective and like there’s something wrong with YOU. You know you didn’t intend any disrespect, you don’t think you’re lazy, you tried to remember. You’re really a young person (often in our culture a young man) who realizes you have the strength to say I won’t be treated this way anymore! when someone calls you out.
That’s why it feels like you (and your therapist) are arguing with an angry teenager. It’s because you are!
So… why don’t we grow out of it? Why are we stuck here? Why do we keep fighting battles we lost and won a long time ago when all fighting can do is hurt ourselves and our loved ones?
Part of coming to this understanding for me was reflecting on the difference in the ways RSD comes out at home and at work. When my RSD is triggered by my partner, I can get defensive and argue and go into that teenaged space of ““I won’t be treated this way anymore!””
But when it’s my boss who triggers my RSD? With some tiny piece of negative feedback? I can’t do that to him, unless I’m ready to get fired. And I know that… so what do I do?
I get fucking scared man! Scared and ashamed and embarrassed. I get crazy impostor syndrome. I can’t sleep because I’m so stressed out. Because my boss put me right back in that feeling of being the seven year old who can’t remember Saint Francis’s name. And that all affects my work performance and my job satisfaction. And now, at 42, you better believe that impacts my health, my home life and my ability to provide for my family.
RSD hurts me man! It’s terrible! It’s the worst!
Back to my point (can you tell I’m ADHD?) why don’t we grow out of it?
Well just like any learned behavior, we can grow out of it. And just like any emotional damage, we have to heal it. That teenager keeps fighting because that little kid is still scared and ashamed, because that little kid has never had a chance to feel safe and accepted and like it’s OK to be the way he is and has never gotten a chance to heal.
I had this epiphany about communication with my partner. What if I just admitted why I was feeling what I’m feeling? What if, instead of saying ““I won’t be treated this way anymore!”” I said ““What you’re saying is really reasonable. And I’m terrified, because it came out of left field and I feel <overwhelmed/scared/afraid> of having to take on some new responsibility I expect to fail at. But that’s not your fault. I just need to process this feeling, because it belongs to a kid who thinks he’s gonna get shamed and put down and he’s going to go through all this self loathing and self abuse.””
tl;dr: The only way to break the RSD cycle is to give that little kid a chance to heal, so the angry teenager doesn’t have to stick up for him anymore. And the only way to do that is to address the feelings under the deconstruction and the debating and the intellectualizing.
ADHD tangent: I feel like RSD and toxic masculinity are very closely linked, but that’s another rant for another hyperfocus post.
Yup, I’ve always had difficulties receiving criticism. I’ve gotten decent at professional criticism, but I also suuuuck at giving criticism because of how painful I know it can be to receive.
I’m with you. So many insignificant criticisms have CRUSHED me!
I also just heard about RSD and wonder if I have this as well. I have ADHD as well.
Literally I was taking online quizzes casually wondering if I have bipolar (I know they’re not legit) because I’ve had crazy mood swings lately. The description of RSD said it is often misinterpreted as bipolar. There are certain things my wife will say that just really devastate me and send me spiralling. The worst part is I know I’m overreacting and misinterpreting but it hardly helps.
My mom thought I had bipolar as well when I was a teen!
Because I would spiral and become so agitated/depressed for no reason. (There usually was a reason. It was usually dumb, and I couldn’t explain why it made me so unreasonably upset.)
Then other times I would become hyper focused on a thing where I wouldn’t eat/sleep.
So I can certainly understand why those two things could be confused for mania/depression to a layman.
RSD, in my understanding, is just a thing that happens to a lot of ADHD folks and not a separate diagnosis. Some of the readings say the fact that we know it’s illogical makes it worse, cause we feel stupid/embarrassed by our actions.
In relationships, that’s a problem. Over the years, that really developed into … something. When I have a crush and daydream, I imagine how she comes onto me, and I’m like: Sorry, not interested.
Sometimes that actually happens, and it does feel great.
Even when I daydream about meeting a cute girl with a nice personality, I imagine how she likes me, so I can reject her.
The oddest thing is that I still had a couple of healthy, nice relationships, some over many years. She was always more into me than vice versa, though. And I was overall single longer than I was in relationships.
So maybe the counterpart personality exists, and that’s why it works: Longing to always having to prove herself to someone who isn’t even that attractive, just for getting a fraction of it back.
